Journals
Journals - August 26, 2022
Don’t Take it For Granted – Journals – February 6, 2023
Solitude – Journals – August 26, 2022
Grief is Heavy – Journals – June 24, 2022
Lessons in Grief Part 1
Lift My Eyes
For my birthday this year, I expected to be very pregnant in the middle of a very hot summer. All spring, I talked about having a murder mystery-themed party where I could see all my friends. I wanted to be the murder victim so that I could sit in my Eames Lounge chair all evening, laughing and talking with friends while they meandered around trying to figure out who murdered me. I expected to be large and miserable, but if you know me, you know that I like a party. I like to be surrounded by friends and laughing.
My birthday turned out a little bit different this year. Instead of sitting in my Eames with all my friends, I was sitting in a nursery rocker in the NICU. Instead of laughter and joy surrounding me, it was silence, save for the constant beeping of monitors and the occasional cry of a baby.
Over the last two months, I have become more accustomed to silence.
"Over the last two months, I have become more accustomed to silence."
Henry Nouwen, a Dutch Catholic priest and theologian, talks about the movement from loneliness to solitude. He discusses how someone, even in the midst of a party or celebration, can still feel lonely in their depths. In the same way, someone who is actually alone can move to a place of solitude and holy silence. This new journey, out of loneliness into solitude, is a different and challenging journey. It is something that I have read and studied about but never truly needed until now.
Nouwen says,
When we live with a solitude of heart, we can listen with attention to the words and the worlds of others, but when we are driven by loneliness, we tend to select just those remarks and events that bring immediate satisfaction to our own craving needs…
Those who do not run away from our pains but touch them with compassion, bring healing and new strength. The paradox indeed is that the beginning of healing is in the solidarity with the pain.
"Those who do not run away from our pains but touch them with compassion, bring healing and new strength. The paradox indeed is that the beginning of healing is in the solidarity with the pain."
It is so easy to get lost in thoughts, daydreams, and even self-pity. It is easy to numb with social media and news articles. But this movement can only happen when we come face to face with pain in the midst of loneliness. Pain and solitude can coexist in a healthy way, but pain and loneliness are a deadly pairing.
All this to say, I’m becoming more familiar with what true solitude feels like, and in it, there is grace and pain, but most importantly, there is the presence of the Spirit.